Whats been going on???

I feel sick… nauseous, headaches and the overwhelming feeling to just run fast and hard in the opposite direction. I know what it is.. It’s the ball of fear and angst that has settled to the pit of my stomach. Something I’ve always had and its always driven me to the best I can to succeed even though I live without a safety net. The ball is usually small and manageable something the size of a peanut something I can usually cast aside and ignore.

Currently I’m working on one of the projects I have been wanting for some time something that is going to make or break me… and currently its breaking me… I stuffed up. I under estimated the cost of this project not by 10% by 54% and now all levels of management are involved in pressuring me to make sure I’ve estimated this right, they are nit picking my budget apart and asking all the questions that run through my head every morning and night.   

I can usually handle the pressure but the size of this mistake is making me break out in rash, dry throat, cant eat, hyper and exhausted at the same time. The mask has slipped and the pressure and stressed is etched on my face and body, I cant hide this one. Most of the time I would just get on with the show pick up the pieces and solider on. I AM warrior, I run MY world.

But there’s more…   So I got the once in a career (?) project that I have been waiting for, begging for, but I am also managing 6 other projects. Yep that’s 7 all up. These 6 are living in the shadow of the big one, they get a look in every now and then but manly they just stay in the dark, left in the hands of the tech leads that I am leaning too heavily on. Most of the 6 other ones have various issues as well but they are quite small compared to this big one. So I pretty much feel like I’m failing all over and I don’t know how to cope with it. I don’t do failure.

One half of me is looking at the other screaming “come on this is what you specialise in, this is what makes you, get up and fight hard. Game on” The other side wants to run - hard and fast in the other direction, straight to an old place, straight to my Ex who has always been there to collapse into, someone I  used to think of as home. So I’m stressed, my brain and body is fighting for conflicting sides.

There’s also the fact that I’ve been pushing everyone away – friends, family and colleagues because I don’t want to admit defeat and accept there help. I still have pride and a don’t want to admit defeat. Plus I need to take a big scary exam in 10 days that I haven’t prepared for, I need to have major surgery to take out my wisdom teeth and I have financial stress. The ball of angst and stress is about the size of an orange.

So what am I doing about all of this??? I’m trying to manage it, to think rationally, to frantically re apply the mask. I write lists, I put on my headphones and focus at work. I’m making sure I drink my immune system boosting smoothie each day and sticking to my workouts.  I let in my friend Claire and am attempting to patch up things with everyone else. I go home, look at pretty pictures and just breathe. I contact my FWB and try to get myself lost in pleasing him. I’m shopping, planning personal things. I’m trying to do the things that make my happy and ignoring/managing the bad. I feel this is all I can do right now… no rash decisions just coasting, till I have headspace to work this all out.

For My Uncle Dave - pink floyd - wish you were here

Happy 50th Birthday! We all wish you were here xx



Missing Summer

shhh

Shh don't tell anyone I'm here... i haven't been here for quite some time now, actually i have been very close to deleting here for a couple of months now but i just couldn't let go but i had nothing to say either... i was in limbo. Limbo that odd place where you don't belong but you don't not belong either. I'm just realising limbo is a place i have been emotionally for quite some time now without really realising it. I have been not really letting anything in emotionally nor have i been really letting anything out either... just been keeping on that equilibrium, not rocking the boat, not causing any panic, just being normal... or so i thought.

I guess everything crashed way back in January when my Uncle passed away or maybe it was November 2010 when i was a survivor of my workplace retrenchments or maybe it was June 2010 when my first love told me he had moved on and was living with someone else or it was March 2010 where my first love and i broke up for the 100th time or it was back in 2009 when i lost a piece of us and didn't, still don't know how to tell anyone.

So moving forward (Julia styles) i need to deal with the past and look forward to the future, i need to stop moving with the crowd and find my own path and light it with candles and decorate it with flowering hedges and map it out with directional signs. I hope this place it a part of the journey but i cant promise anything i can only do what i can do.

its a fair way to anywhere

snapshots

heart matters

Your heart is on your left cause it can't always be right.

Darren

I am a huge fan of NRL, the Brisbane Broncos and of course Darren Lockyer. After 17 years in the game Darren has announced his retirement from NRL. In my opinion he has handled his career on and off the field professionally and is the best player in the game. He has played and captioned at the elite level – State of Origin and Australia – and broken his fair share of records without too much fanfare. I am biased but I am sad to see such a legend of the game retire especially one that I have watched run around the field in my favourite colours for so long. I wish Darren and his family all the best and look forward to watching him play for the rest of the season.

Now to book those state of origin tickets and flights J

Time fly's...

WOW its Monday and i am back at work after 3 days off, i swear it feels like i only had 1 day off. I know we all say this every year but 2011 is truly flying by! Weeks seem to speed by with a jumble of workload stress, catch up's with the wolfpack and boot camp sessions. I have such a set routine i am not finding there is anything truly memorable about the weeks flying by. So again i make another pledge here to make my weeks (and days) memorable and post the little reasons why. Because as i said before and my desktop picture reminds me:

Home Repairs

So this afternoon i am here waiting for the owner of the rental property i live in to fix the issues I reported last week with the kitchen tap and the bathroom door.With the owner of the house doing the repairs it meant that i had to scrub the place from head to toe and do that extra special clean up. I know i didint have to however i felt that he was coming to make sure i am keeping the place clean as well as fix the issues.
With a trades person doing you repairs you don't have to make conversation or even make them a cup of tea.. The owner i kind of feel i have to...  but it would just be an easier process if i was dealing with a trades person on a weekday and not giving up my saturday afternoon to make polite banter over cups of tea with the owner. Oh well looks like his mug is low i must put the kettle on again...

love is the new black

Love is the new black totally makes sense to me right now!

smart girls

Have a B.E.A-utiful weekend

I plan to have a few champers with the girls for Miss Natalie's birthday, as i mentioned in my last post i will be working over the weekend so I'm planning to just chill out on Saturday night with a little you ling we bring (aka Thai) and catch up with one of my dearest friends Keryn for Sunday breakfast and holiday planning.

Have a B.E.A-utiful weekend and i will see you back here on Monday xx



Malaga Wine

Hot Tip - Do not get your nails done prior to a big office churn weekend where you have to pack up your desk and help out with comms room patching, smudgy chipped polish after 12 hours is NOT a hot look. On the other hand i am LOVING this OPI colour sick!

P.S Please Do not be concerned i actually do have a thumb however it has a big chip missing out of it and was totally unworthy of being in this photo. Thanking you for thinking about my thumb lol

pick me up

I'm tired and stressed and my face is telling everyone that storey no matter how much yves saint laurent touche eclat radiant touch or bobby brown under eye corrector i use.

I need a pick me up, i am craving a lush spa session at Endota - deluxe facial and a few rounds of OMNILUX Light Therapy and a stress reliveing massage. Unfortunately my budget wont strech that far so im planning to do a home facial tonight and indulge in a massage and a paint and shape at the OPI bar at DJ's. I'm also going to increase my water intake and try get to sleep by 10pm tonight.

What do you do for a pick me up??

abandoned

Dear blog,

I had so many hopes, ideas, wishes, dreams and plans for you to succeed and be a creative outlet for me however recently blogging has been a chore and one of the last things i want to do. Often i open the new post and start to ramble on and then stop... and think why am i doing this? who is reading it anyway? Ive lost sight of why I'm doing this and who for... me.

Dear blog you have been so good to me, you look almost how i wanted you too, i have used you to capture so many thoughts, feelings and inspirations that i feel guilty for giving up and abandoning you. I'm sorry. I will re focus, continue to post, hopefully more often and find something inspiring or the little things to share.

Thanks for your patience with me and not getting cross.

Your author,

Beck xx

stressful morning

This morning i lost my wallet on the way to work. I know i had it when i got on the bus as i put my bus ticket in the machine and then back in my wallet. I got to work and went to put in my dry cleaning and it wasn't in my handbag, either left on the bus or fallen out of my bag and onto the pavement. I panicked and re traced my steps and left several frantic messages with the bus depot to see if they have it. They didn't have it.

So now I'm in limbo, I've put a freeze on all my cards, i don't have any cash and i feel naked without my wallet. Its worse than losing my phone at least i can get call that and i have a backup of all my numbers on my PC.

I love my wallet itself, its not expensive but its me and am not looking forward to replacing it and all my cards.

I'm just hoping there are still kind people out there who hand in wallets and i have it returned to me soon.

the little things

Today I need to power through the masses of project documentation that needs to be completed this week. One of my main strategies is to write a priority list, a questions list, get a large coffee, divert the phone(s) to voicemail, close out of my email and plug my ipod in and power through. I am lucky to work with people who understand this and let me go for it.

Whether its your ipod on the bus ride home, playing music while your getting ready, the radio in your car, your favourite cd to lift your mood, Music on - World off says it all doesn't it??

skinny jeans

If i was ever Anna Wintour for a day i would ban skinny jeans, then ban flesh coloured clothing and then i would eat something fabulous like a hearty lasagna with extra cheese washed down by full fat coke yum!

Okay skinny jeans and i have a love hate relationship, i love how they look and hate how i cannot wear them. I am the proud owner of rather muscular calves the kind that were not considered when skinny jeans and knee high boots become fashion staples. Who came up with the name 'skinny' anyway? It sounds terribly judgemental. They started as a fad and have now become a staple with a wide range for slim calved women to choose from season after season. This is slightly annoying to me but not enough to ban them.

This isn't about my calves I have found my staple jeans brand and colour that looks great and i love them. What this post is really about it skinny jeans on men. When did that become mainstream? And by mainstream i mean the guys at work are wearing them on casual Friday and 9 out of 10 guys are wearing them at the pub on Saturday night. I think they look not quite right on most men, granted there are a few who can pull it off but there are a lot of men who cant. How do these guys fit into skinny jeans? Are they making them less skinny for men? Are men losing weight so they can fit into skinny jeans? Do you like men in skinny jeans? Would you ban skinny jeans?

inspired

The only thing this images have in common is that they inspire me.