I feel sick… nauseous, headaches and the overwhelming feeling to just run fast and hard in the opposite direction. I know what it is.. It’s the ball of fear and angst that has settled to the pit of my stomach. Something I’ve always had and its always driven me to the best I can to succeed even though I live without a safety net. The ball is usually small and manageable something the size of a peanut something I can usually cast aside and ignore.
Currently I’m working on one of the projects I have been wanting for some time something that is going to make or break me… and currently its breaking me… I stuffed up. I under estimated the cost of this project not by 10% by 54% and now all levels of management are involved in pressuring me to make sure I’ve estimated this right, they are nit picking my budget apart and asking all the questions that run through my head every morning and night.
I can usually handle the pressure but the size of this mistake is making me break out in rash, dry throat, cant eat, hyper and exhausted at the same time. The mask has slipped and the pressure and stressed is etched on my face and body, I cant hide this one. Most of the time I would just get on with the show pick up the pieces and solider on. I AM warrior, I run MY world.
But there’s more… So I got the once in a career (?) project that I have been waiting for, begging for, but I am also managing 6 other projects. Yep that’s 7 all up. These 6 are living in the shadow of the big one, they get a look in every now and then but manly they just stay in the dark, left in the hands of the tech leads that I am leaning too heavily on. Most of the 6 other ones have various issues as well but they are quite small compared to this big one. So I pretty much feel like I’m failing all over and I don’t know how to cope with it. I don’t do failure.
One half of me is looking at the other screaming “come on this is what you specialise in, this is what makes you, get up and fight hard. Game on” The other side wants to run - hard and fast in the other direction, straight to an old place, straight to my Ex who has always been there to collapse into, someone I used to think of as home. So I’m stressed, my brain and body is fighting for conflicting sides.
There’s also the fact that I’ve been pushing everyone away – friends, family and colleagues because I don’t want to admit defeat and accept there help. I still have pride and a don’t want to admit defeat. Plus I need to take a big scary exam in 10 days that I haven’t prepared for, I need to have major surgery to take out my wisdom teeth and I have financial stress. The ball of angst and stress is about the size of an orange.
So what am I doing about all of this??? I’m trying to manage it, to think rationally, to frantically re apply the mask. I write lists, I put on my headphones and focus at work. I’m making sure I drink my immune system boosting smoothie each day and sticking to my workouts. I let in my friend Claire and am attempting to patch up things with everyone else. I go home, look at pretty pictures and just breathe. I contact my FWB and try to get myself lost in pleasing him. I’m shopping, planning personal things. I’m trying to do the things that make my happy and ignoring/managing the bad. I feel this is all I can do right now… no rash decisions just coasting, till I have headspace to work this all out.
